{She Said} Not in Control

I had the blues for a little while after having Zach. It was about average- maybe to Matt a little worse than average. I was pretty open with anyone I talked to about it- usually because I would break into tears while talking to them for no good reason and then I would feel the need to explain myself. After that fog lifted, the anxiety set in.


I would self-diagnose post-partum anxiety. I haven’t seen anyone about it but I might. It isn’t constant- in fact it comes in pretty significant waves. Sometimes I go days feeling great, empowered and secure about life. Other times I have very low stretches where I am constantly under a heavy weight of anxiety.

I worry about if something happens to Zach. Why did I put myself in a position to be devastated like that? Maybe we should just go live in a cave somewhere so that I can protect him from everything.

I worry about if something happens to Matt. I can’t do this myself- I’m not strong enough.

I worry about if something happens to me. I don’t want to miss anything.

I worry about little things around the house. Dishes. Cleaning. Laundry. Bugs. Cracks. Doors getting stuck. Lawn work. Plumbing. It doesn’t matter if there is a problem or even if there isn’t anything to do- I worry about it.

I worry about spending money. We are fine financially but I worry about it anyway.

I worry about other people. Even though it is none of my business and they are fine.

I worry about global warming.

I worry about the economy.

I worry about politics.

I worry about what to eat.

I worry about worrying so much.

With all this worry has come a lot of prayer and lately I have felt something a bit different. Another blogger put it perfectly… lately I have heard the distinct whispers of, “You’ve done enough, let me take it from here.” Thank you.