{She Said} Motherhood is Unexpected, Extreme, and Magical.

As we near my second Mother's Day, my perspective on this role that I have spent a year sinking into...
Motherhood did not come as easy as I expected it. I think that pretty much sums up motherhood- not what you would expect.

My bossiness and general controlling nature, led me to be a mother figure to my younger sister. Our parents divorced when we were old enough to understand what was happening and young enough to have our childhoods swept away by it. I would wake up with a start as our parents would be arguing and turn on cartoons so she wouldn’t hear. I was her only constant as we went back and forth between their houses. This motherhood came easy but I didn’t want this- I just did it.

With my baby, I wanted motherhood but it came so slowly for me. I was hesitant throughout my pregnancy. Though we had worked to get pregnant I didn’t know if I was selfless enough for this new journey now that it was here. Then he came and though I knew he was mine and I loved him, I was detached somehow. I went through the motions- I just did it.

Forty eight hours after he was born, they came to get him for a checkup and as they walked him out of my room and away from my body for the first time in his entire existence I felt less whole. That was a piece of my heart being wheeled out of the room and natural instinct shouted the vulgarity of this concept. I cried until he came back. Two months later they told me something might be terribly wrong with him. How do you survive if a piece of your heart is taken from you? Is it even possible? This is the first point in my life where I experienced true fear.

Motherhood is extreme. Emotions are at their fullest. Among them- fear, happiness, anxiety, joy, frustration, love. You don’t expect those emotions to be bigger than what you have seen of them but then they are there and you don’t know how you could have been so foolish to think you were truly experiencing them before. The magic you experienced as a child is reborn with your child and your heart can’t help but buy into it.

He was fine. My heart is safe… for now. I will continue to experience the unexpected. I will catch vomit with my hand. I will intentionally wipe snot on my shoulder. I will slowly walk long distances with him holding my hands. I will sit in uncomfortable positions for hours to let him get a much needed nap. That is what you do when you are protecting a piece your heart. You unexpectedly do whatever it takes.