{She Said} The Dreaded Cry It Out

Zaxby-
Tonight I finally had to let you cry it out. Now, you've always been a great sleeper (at night- don't get me started on your naps) but you've always done best if we hold you until you go to sleep and then put you down. This never really concerned me because you slept through the night really early and we have witnessed several times you wake up in the middle of the night and put yourself back to sleep.

If I'm honest with myself, I also do it because I cherish that cuddle time. You are the best cuddler... Especially when you're getting sleepy. You wrap one arm around my shoulder and hold on tight while you put your other thumb in your mouth and nuzzle into my neck. After a bit you take the hand from around my shoulder and tuck it down by your belly. It's precious and I have loved it nearly every night of your existence (admittedly it has changed a bit over the months).

Ok ok, back to the story, tonight you started crying about an hour after you went down for bed. It was a pretty upset cry so I went ahead and got you and rocked you. After you fell back to sleep I snuck over and laid you back in your crib. You immediately started crying again. We rocked again- yea, might not have been my finest mommy hour but I wanted to console you and I had the time. You went back to sleep so I put you down and you cried again. Don't be disappointed in me but back into my arms you went. After that third episode, when I laid you down, you were quiet. I crept out and right as I was shutting the door your head shot up. You started to cry and I put my foot down.

I listened to you cry for 20 minutes. You were wailing, snorting, pounding on your crib. I would be lying if I said that there weren't times that I laughed and times that I cried. I have to say that you were being a bit rediculous. Finally, I went back in and gave you a hug, wiped your snots away (with my shirt- remember that), one more hug and pat on the back with a little "night night Zachy, love you," whispered in there and put you back down.
You screamed. You have never screamed like this before. As I was shutting the door my heart clenched. One tear breached the edge of my eye but I was resolved in this effort. Know that I wanted to cuddle. I wanted to rub your back and be covered on your snot. I wanted to be your calm but I needed to be the forward thinking mom at that moment.
Five minutes later you stopped screaming, stuck your thumb in your mouth, looked around your crib, laid down, and went to sleep. I was so proud of you. In fact, I wanted to run back into the room, pick you up, and celebrate this accomplishment with you. But that would have been stupid. Thank you for that moment... for lots of reasons- I won't pretend I wasn't also relieved to not have to listen to you cry anymore (it's a heartbreakingly irritating sound). Mainly your resolve, self assurance, and acceptance was amazing in that experience. Way to go bud!

Love you-
BaaBaa
(translated out of Zach speak to "mom")