It got worse when I went home. Honestly, I didn’t know if I wanted to do it anymore. I mourned the loss of the life Matt and I had while not being able to imagine life without Zach. I was scared of Zach crying. I was scared of not getting any sleep. I was scared of not being able to have any peace in my life because I would constantly be tending to this little helpless creature. It was overwhelming.
The first couple days at home were rough. Zach’s feeding schedule was extremely irregular- sometimes we would go 3 hours between feedings, sometimes just an hour. Having no reprieve from breast feeding only made things worse. I couldn’t get enough sleep to satiate my need for rest and lacking rest only made me more emotional.
This is the hard part to reconcile in my head: I have wanted this for as long as I can remember. I have always wanted a family. Now I had it and I was questioning what I had always wanted. At the same time, there wasn’t a thing I would change. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. One further- how amazing is my life that I can be so blessed with such a beautiful change and actually be mourning the loss of what was. What a gift.
Two blessings that helped with this transition: my husband and everyone else. Matt has been amazing. He sits patiently and lovingly listens to me as I’ve wept and explained my fears without telling me to buck up or that I am wrong for feeling these things. He was a fast daddy- he immediately jumped into learning what he needed to learn and getting to know Zach’s needs and wants. This allowed me to trust in him to take care of Zach and help me get things figured out when I wasn’t crying and completely overwhelmed. As for everyone else- we got food and baby goods delivered to our door, we got lovely notes of encouragement, my friends and family were patient as I fell off the face of the earth while working through my new role in life, and Matt’s mom even came and stayed with us for a few days (staying up for a couple of nights with Zach so Matt and I could have some more sleep).
I am better. I still have my moments but I don’t cry anymore (or at least for longer than 5 minutes a day). I am feeling better about managing Zach’s moods (of course it helps that he is probably the best newborn in the world) and with that has come some quiet time for Matt and I to still be able to enjoy one another’s company so I am feeling better about not losing that part of my life before as well.
Zach now gets to sit in our chair with us. Glad we all fit!
![[M]att & {J}en & (Z)ach & (N)ate](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYYzdJlxrbWvIFXbV18a7yPq7fzyx2CPxEIf9dAdwCkwFL84ffux8HDizeP-dv4_OVhizeLInDXku7Utf1ZEHcFypzhim6dBPnF0d1_lLLlcDel3o9Fx8WsbGdofSx9iUxTn-mm1KSNsc/s240/GilpinHoliday67.2.jpg)
5 comments:
Thank you for sharing this. I can imagine it was a big shock when the new "normal life" started. You can plan all you want for something but if you've never experienced it firsthand, it will still be a challenge I think. The fact that you care so much and want to be there for him is good, and you're right on about how wonderful it is that you and Matt cherish your life together so much. I'm also very proud of Matt for being, well, no less than I thought he would be. You guys are awesome.
Oh Jen. You are so brave. Brave for sharing and brave for hanging in and fighting the good fight. The good news is that it gets better. Your hormones are going about 1,000 different directions right now and that will slow down with time. Becoming a mom for the first time is overwhelming, but it seems like everybody forgets to tell you that part. I guess no one wants to talk about the fact that at times they would rather sleep 8 hours than be up all night feeding a baby. But its true. And you're not the first and you won't be the last mom to go through it. Just know that I'm here for you to talk to. No judgement. Just whatever you need.
Hi Jen-
You have just put into words what evey new mom goes through. The good news is that this, too, shall pass. I know that you already know that you are very, very, blessed to have a healthy baby, and a wonderful loving husband. I just want to add that through all of the exhausting moments, adjustments and change of pace you are now experiencing, don't let yourself get overwhelmed with all of that; as overwhelming as it may be at times. Try to remember to take time to just cherish and enjoy this new little one. In the blink of an eye, you'll be sending him off to kindergarten. In another blink he'll be graduating from high school and starting his own life. You are just embarking on one of the greatest gifts God has given to women, and the most important job you will ever have-motherhood. Embrace it and cherish every moment. You are going to be a great mom :-)
Love you-Aunt Caryl
First, you are only crying for 5 minutes a day?! I think I was a blubbering mess for about 2 months...some sad/frustrated tears, but lots of happy/overwhelming joy/funny tears. It became a joke between Nick and I, and we've both just start laughing as tears rolled down my face. Also, I was REALLY sweaty. Ew. Anyway, I am glad to hear that Zach is being such a good baby for you...it always helps! A few things: kellymom.com has some great info about breastfeeding; keep your expectations low (I mean, WAY low...showering, and opening the blinds were my goals for the first few weeks. Seriously); throw away your clocks (the moment I stopped obsessing about how little sleep i was getting and focused on just sleeping when I could, life got a lot less stressful.) And finally- remember that you are Z's teacher...he knows NOTHING and has to be taught everything- YOUR SPECIALTY!! It looks like you are doing a GREAT job...I'm a smidge jealous of your newborn, I'm not gonna lie!
I know you posted this a while ago, and things are probably much different now, but I want to thank you for this post. This is EXACTLY the way I felt during the first two and a half weeks of Kevin's life. Seriously, I would not have said it any differently...not one word. I was terrified of my own child (well, more the enormous responsibility of having my own child) and racked with guilt that some small part of me (that sometimes screamed very loud inside my head) wanted nothing but to run far, far away from the one thing I had always wanted most in the world. Everyone told me that the way I was feeling was normal, and I now know that it was, but it still helps to hear another new mom put into words the way I was feeling, too. Thanks!
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